FALSE HOPES aren't that bad after all
I am prone to pain. My middle name is vulnerable. Whew.
My friends told me not to believe in feng shui. And i wonder why almost all of the forecasts in the year of the horse are happening. I even told one pal i desperately want to disappear for months and reappear on the year of the ... whatever animal it is, i just want to welcome 2009 in June (very impossible to happen).
Too many issues, i could barely get hold of some of them, and if i could, I'd surely land on the hospital. My health is affected, I'm having frequent attacks. I needed the therapy of writing, of reading, of watching feel-good movies.
Last night i cried again and even though I'm trying my best not to shed a tear, i lost once again because of a false hope.
In my almost 30 years on earth, i have learned a lot, in relationships, in life itself and in keeping up the sanity. The first serious relationship i had was the hardest to forget, that i honestly became desperate to repair the irreparable. The guy gave me false hopes that i mistakenly viewed as moves for reconciliation but i found out he just used me. From that moment on, i promised myself i will never let anyone hurt me that much. Nobody, even my friends, can lure me into believing lies. I thought i could conquer the signals of false hopes, until last night.
Maybe i care for the person too much that i overlooked the truth in the promises. The promises of love and of making up and picking up the pieces. I cried because i didn't like the feeling. i hate the feeling of hoping, of desperation, of looking stupid. i don't want to look like I'm begging. I don't want to be the "last straw guy" because nobody is around except me. I have a need to be needed, but i don't want to be available just because the most desired person is not around.
I could accept the fact that i am not included in the priority list. But please, the false hopes that were given were way too obvious. Trust is a word i hardly give today. I'm looking at these untrue hopes as my guidelines. i don't want to be used anymore.
