FALSE HOPES aren't that bad after all

I am prone to pain. My middle name is vulnerable. Whew.

My friends told me not to believe in feng shui. And i wonder why almost all of the forecasts in the year of the horse are happening. I even told one pal i desperately want to disappear for months and reappear on the year of the ... whatever animal it is, i just want to welcome 2009 in June (very impossible to happen).

Too many issues, i could barely get hold of some of them, and if i could, I'd surely land on the hospital. My health is affected, I'm having frequent attacks. I needed the therapy of writing, of reading, of watching feel-good movies.

Last night i cried again and even though I'm trying my best not to shed a tear, i lost once again because of a false hope.

In my almost 30 years on earth, i have learned a lot, in relationships, in life itself and in keeping up the sanity. The first serious relationship i had was the hardest to forget, that i honestly became desperate to repair the irreparable. The guy gave me false hopes that i mistakenly viewed as moves for reconciliation but i found out he just used me. From that moment on, i promised myself i will never let anyone hurt me that much. Nobody, even my friends, can lure me into believing lies. I thought i could conquer the signals of false hopes, until last night.

Maybe i care for the person too much that i overlooked the truth in the promises. The promises of love and of making up and picking up the pieces. I cried because i didn't like the feeling. i hate the feeling of hoping, of desperation, of looking stupid. i don't want to look like I'm begging. I don't want to be the "last straw guy" because nobody is around except me. I have a need to be needed, but i don't want to be available just because the most desired person is not around.

I could accept the fact that i am not included in the priority list. But please, the false hopes that were given were way too obvious. Trust is a word i hardly give today. I'm looking at these untrue hopes as my guidelines. i don't want to be used anymore.

JAPAN TO THE MAX

my recent post in the bulletin section created diverse feedbacks... some were amazed because they liked my words, they had fun actually.

someone highlighted my post and broadcasted it to different departments as if im the villain here and not the victim (arggh im tired of u, kelan ka magbabago? kainis ka na)

some advised me to stop.

i just cant imagine you people.

that somebody in particular, and a lot more from her group, hurt me thru their ways, and i fought back thru writing, the world turned upside down and im the one to blame???????????

Geez, peepz, have u gone mad?Think. I never started this. DOnt point ur finger at me.

Dr. Jose Rizal fought back thru writing. Mas nakasusugat.
I always bear that in mind.

Im not a hero wannabe. I just want them to know that i can defend myself and my family.

Pero nababaligtad na, sheeet talaga.........nababaligtad.

Minsan subukan nyo naman na sya yung patigilin.

U saw what i did in this bulletin, why cant u see what she did to me and to all who hated her?

STop????????????


Stop atienza, paging stop atienza, i need a hug.

ASSESSMENT of a Non-Psychoanalyst

Some of us are aware of our weaknesses. Some people tend to mend them through a series of objectives, or a step-by-step pattern. Others identify the root causes. Some seek their shrinks. Majority uses the power of prayer, faith for that matter. Others hide from their shell or simply ignore them.

I deal with my weaknesses by thinking and praying and although I classify myself as a believer, I belong to the silent type. My move is to pray alone, intimate discourse with God in the vigil room, or in my room. But beforehand I can’t help but think. Maybe if I have the money I’d go to a shrink. But because I can’t afford the Ally Mcbeal way, I just weigh things up. My doctor always remind me not to reflect on things too seriously because negative thoughts might trigger the “grounded arteries” but I can’t help but “assess” (my term) or psychoanalyze (their heavy term) myself. If I don’t, who would?

Assessment #1. Last week I have been sick for 5 days because of flu. And because I have to rest and stay in bed, I have given an ample time psychoanalyzing the people and the events that have happened. There I remember the dreams I have for the past days prior to the flu. I kept on dreaming about a person who was once a part of my life and in those dreams we started talking again (to each other). I wonder if that can possibly be a reality. I guess it’ll take time, if time can truly heals all wounds. I have asked myself “Can you tell yourself your wound have already been cured?” It may have, but it left an ugly scar. The scar will constantly remind me of the tragic conflict so I guess talking to that individual would be somewhat surreal. But then again, it also depends on that person. If reconciliation will sprout from the other one’s heart, maybe I can reconsider.

Assessment #2. Some friends asked me if my “Billy” is here in the Philippines. I uttered a few words of disgust but deep within me I know there was an itsy bitsy lie. Deep within me I know I still care. Deep within me I know I still am willing to be available if he would need my advices. Deep within me I know I still can say no because he “was, have been, in the past” a part of my life. But as I have said, honestly speaking, the nostalgia faded away. And I’m deeply thankful. My “Billy” doesn’t deserve me. Somebody from the past (just a couple of months ago hehe) have already surpassed the former’s intensity of valuing me. Now I realized why I have had that recent relationship – it changed me. All I can offer now is pure friendship to “Billy”… and deep within me, I’m telling the truth.

Assessment #3. A friend who happens to be one of the closest ones I fortunately have now asked for my whereabouts because we missed each other’s company. I told her I got sick for almost a week so I failed to be available. She is used to having me and another friend in her house; we used to drop by whenever we want. She is one of those that I love hanging out with, because when I’m with her, I can be me. Bitching-about-little-things-and-exuding-my-kakulitan kind of me. My sister actually likes her too and it’s a plus point, because she is equally so welcome in our house. I love having her around but I know, I have not given her my full effort. I have developed a kind of phobia in friendship. I became a non-risk taker. I was afraid she’d left, or she’d forget, or she’d get tired. I was scared of “too much closeness” because maybe the incident will happen again and I don’t want to be deserted. But now I know she’s the type of person who would not let me go. She won’t get tired, or change, or forget. I remember she told me a song she likes for our friendship, and she avowed it’s the best song for us.

Assessment #4. The forecast for the horse is not gonna happen. This will gonna be an OK year for me. Gladly that I did not spend money on those man-made remedies which I googled in the web. My assessment #3 assured me all will be favorable through prayers. I heaved a sigh of relief. Oo nga noh. I knew it all along. Sometimes my head has a few kinks in it that needs ironing out. Hihi.

Assessment #5. I still desire the 120gb white or 160gb black macbook with a built in i-sight. Arggghhh. When can u be mine? I need a bib. Either I’ll drool or I’ll throw up. Haha.