HAPPINESS OVERRATED

Maybe this is nostalgia. I am still embracing the past so much, idiotically speaking. I mean, maybe I don’t love the person who I thought I still insanely adore… Maybe, just maybe, I nostalgically love the past and the past that had long been buried, and my terrible act of repeatedly digging it whenever he is haunting me, should never be a déjà vou.

I told a friend last night that I am unhappy. And he threw a question which kind of brought me back to reality. Then I remember some terms that I have read in a book… After I have googled it, I’ve known that the words came from the lyrics of a song.

Nobody likes me
Everybody hates me
I’m gonna eat some worms
Big fat juicy worms
Long thin slimy worms
Itsy bitsy fuzzy wuzzy worms

In the book where I’ve read this stuff about worms, I remember a boy in the illustration was sitting in a porch, alone and awfully sad. The caption says “Nobody loves me, I’m gonna go out and eat some worms.” Sometimes I think I’m the little boy. We have the same dilemma. No one can understand the sadness that I’m carrying, well of course with the exemptions of my family and close friends. I have counted so many years of waiting and of wanting to feel the happiness that I felt before. In my prayers, I never ask for the same person who has taught me the essence of bliss as well as the agony and pain. He is so YESTERDAY. And after him, I’ve had quite a few relationships. I just ask the Lord for the one who will lead me away from solitude.

The friend who was with me last night said that I am happy in certain aspects, like people who were with me and the things that I have, which he wished could be his. I know that I have numerous gifts and I am thankful. And yet sometimes, I still long to believe and sense that there would be filling for the void. Is it too much to ask for a simple family, to be married, to be a faithful wife and because my biological clock is ticking LOUDLY I couldn’t stand the sound, is it to much to ask for motherhood?

I don’t desire for the so perfect-perfect partner. That’s so ENGKANTASYA. But hmmm could it be that some happy couples are actually in that kind of niche? Maybe. Why can’t I enter?
Maybe I can’t be happy for the rest of my life. Nostalgic.

Complicated. Thorny. Bumpy. Where is the smooth road, dammit! The road not taken is definitely that road. How do I get there? For the nth time, another friend told me, somebody out there is right for you. Maybe that somebody took the less traveled road and ended up with Cinderella. There is no one left for me.

Happiness is in the mind. Bullshit. My heart screams.

I am happy because I have a job.
I am happy because I have a wonderful family.
I am happy because our little angel chuchelli constantly makes me laugh.
I am happy because I’ve got so many friends.
I am happy because a man came, and although he can’t promise commitment yet, he sees me and values me.
I am happy for this life, and for the blessings.
I am happy too, because the past still hurts me, but the pain is bearable now.
I am happy because I still love the man who caused me so much pain. I should be happy. Lest I will be cursed not to love any man more than that love I have already given him.
I will be happy because finally I’ll learn not to love him.
I am happy tragically.
I’m gonna go out and eat some worms.

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To my perfect gentleman, we'll cross the bridge when we get there. :) stayput