my recent post in the bulletin section created diverse feedbacks... some were amazed because they liked my words, they had fun actually.
someone highlighted my post and broadcasted it to different departments as if im the villain here and not the victim (arggh im tired of u, kelan ka magbabago? kainis ka na)
some advised me to stop.
i just cant imagine you people.
that somebody in particular, and a lot more from her group, hurt me thru their ways, and i fought back thru writing, the world turned upside down and im the one to blame???????????
Geez, peepz, have u gone mad?Think. I never started this. DOnt point ur finger at me.
Dr. Jose Rizal fought back thru writing. Mas nakasusugat.
I always bear that in mind.
Im not a hero wannabe. I just want them to know that i can defend myself and my family.
Pero nababaligtad na, sheeet talaga.........nababaligtad.
Minsan subukan nyo naman na sya yung patigilin.
U saw what i did in this bulletin, why cant u see what she did to me and to all who hated her?
STop????????????
Stop atienza, paging stop atienza, i need a hug.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
ASSESSMENT of a Non-Psychoanalyst
Some of us are aware of our weaknesses. Some people tend to mend them through a series of objectives, or a step-by-step pattern. Others identify the root causes. Some seek their shrinks. Majority uses the power of prayer, faith for that matter. Others hide from their shell or simply ignore them.
I deal with my weaknesses by thinking and praying and although I classify myself as a believer, I belong to the silent type. My move is to pray alone, intimate discourse with God in the vigil room, or in my room. But beforehand I can’t help but think. Maybe if I have the money I’d go to a shrink. But because I can’t afford the Ally Mcbeal way, I just weigh things up. My doctor always remind me not to reflect on things too seriously because negative thoughts might trigger the “grounded arteries” but I can’t help but “assess” (my term) or psychoanalyze (their heavy term) myself. If I don’t, who would?
Assessment #1. Last week I have been sick for 5 days because of flu. And because I have to rest and stay in bed, I have given an ample time psychoanalyzing the people and the events that have happened. There I remember the dreams I have for the past days prior to the flu. I kept on dreaming about a person who was once a part of my life and in those dreams we started talking again (to each other). I wonder if that can possibly be a reality. I guess it’ll take time, if time can truly heals all wounds. I have asked myself “Can you tell yourself your wound have already been cured?” It may have, but it left an ugly scar. The scar will constantly remind me of the tragic conflict so I guess talking to that individual would be somewhat surreal. But then again, it also depends on that person. If reconciliation will sprout from the other one’s heart, maybe I can reconsider.
Assessment #2. Some friends asked me if my “Billy” is here in the Philippines. I uttered a few words of disgust but deep within me I know there was an itsy bitsy lie. Deep within me I know I still care. Deep within me I know I still am willing to be available if he would need my advices. Deep within me I know I still can say no because he “was, have been, in the past” a part of my life. But as I have said, honestly speaking, the nostalgia faded away. And I’m deeply thankful. My “Billy” doesn’t deserve me. Somebody from the past (just a couple of months ago hehe) have already surpassed the former’s intensity of valuing me. Now I realized why I have had that recent relationship – it changed me. All I can offer now is pure friendship to “Billy”… and deep within me, I’m telling the truth.
Assessment #3. A friend who happens to be one of the closest ones I fortunately have now asked for my whereabouts because we missed each other’s company. I told her I got sick for almost a week so I failed to be available. She is used to having me and another friend in her house; we used to drop by whenever we want. She is one of those that I love hanging out with, because when I’m with her, I can be me. Bitching-about-little-things-and-exuding-my-kakulitan kind of me. My sister actually likes her too and it’s a plus point, because she is equally so welcome in our house. I love having her around but I know, I have not given her my full effort. I have developed a kind of phobia in friendship. I became a non-risk taker. I was afraid she’d left, or she’d forget, or she’d get tired. I was scared of “too much closeness” because maybe the incident will happen again and I don’t want to be deserted. But now I know she’s the type of person who would not let me go. She won’t get tired, or change, or forget. I remember she told me a song she likes for our friendship, and she avowed it’s the best song for us.
Assessment #4. The forecast for the horse is not gonna happen. This will gonna be an OK year for me. Gladly that I did not spend money on those man-made remedies which I googled in the web. My assessment #3 assured me all will be favorable through prayers. I heaved a sigh of relief. Oo nga noh. I knew it all along. Sometimes my head has a few kinks in it that needs ironing out. Hihi.
Assessment #5. I still desire the 120gb white or 160gb black macbook with a built in i-sight. Arggghhh. When can u be mine? I need a bib. Either I’ll drool or I’ll throw up. Haha.
I deal with my weaknesses by thinking and praying and although I classify myself as a believer, I belong to the silent type. My move is to pray alone, intimate discourse with God in the vigil room, or in my room. But beforehand I can’t help but think. Maybe if I have the money I’d go to a shrink. But because I can’t afford the Ally Mcbeal way, I just weigh things up. My doctor always remind me not to reflect on things too seriously because negative thoughts might trigger the “grounded arteries” but I can’t help but “assess” (my term) or psychoanalyze (their heavy term) myself. If I don’t, who would?
Assessment #1. Last week I have been sick for 5 days because of flu. And because I have to rest and stay in bed, I have given an ample time psychoanalyzing the people and the events that have happened. There I remember the dreams I have for the past days prior to the flu. I kept on dreaming about a person who was once a part of my life and in those dreams we started talking again (to each other). I wonder if that can possibly be a reality. I guess it’ll take time, if time can truly heals all wounds. I have asked myself “Can you tell yourself your wound have already been cured?” It may have, but it left an ugly scar. The scar will constantly remind me of the tragic conflict so I guess talking to that individual would be somewhat surreal. But then again, it also depends on that person. If reconciliation will sprout from the other one’s heart, maybe I can reconsider.
Assessment #2. Some friends asked me if my “Billy” is here in the Philippines. I uttered a few words of disgust but deep within me I know there was an itsy bitsy lie. Deep within me I know I still care. Deep within me I know I still am willing to be available if he would need my advices. Deep within me I know I still can say no because he “was, have been, in the past” a part of my life. But as I have said, honestly speaking, the nostalgia faded away. And I’m deeply thankful. My “Billy” doesn’t deserve me. Somebody from the past (just a couple of months ago hehe) have already surpassed the former’s intensity of valuing me. Now I realized why I have had that recent relationship – it changed me. All I can offer now is pure friendship to “Billy”… and deep within me, I’m telling the truth.
Assessment #3. A friend who happens to be one of the closest ones I fortunately have now asked for my whereabouts because we missed each other’s company. I told her I got sick for almost a week so I failed to be available. She is used to having me and another friend in her house; we used to drop by whenever we want. She is one of those that I love hanging out with, because when I’m with her, I can be me. Bitching-about-little-things-and-exuding-my-kakulitan kind of me. My sister actually likes her too and it’s a plus point, because she is equally so welcome in our house. I love having her around but I know, I have not given her my full effort. I have developed a kind of phobia in friendship. I became a non-risk taker. I was afraid she’d left, or she’d forget, or she’d get tired. I was scared of “too much closeness” because maybe the incident will happen again and I don’t want to be deserted. But now I know she’s the type of person who would not let me go. She won’t get tired, or change, or forget. I remember she told me a song she likes for our friendship, and she avowed it’s the best song for us.
Assessment #4. The forecast for the horse is not gonna happen. This will gonna be an OK year for me. Gladly that I did not spend money on those man-made remedies which I googled in the web. My assessment #3 assured me all will be favorable through prayers. I heaved a sigh of relief. Oo nga noh. I knew it all along. Sometimes my head has a few kinks in it that needs ironing out. Hihi.
Assessment #5. I still desire the 120gb white or 160gb black macbook with a built in i-sight. Arggghhh. When can u be mine? I need a bib. Either I’ll drool or I’ll throw up. Haha.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
HAPPINESS OVERRATED
Maybe this is nostalgia. I am still embracing the past so much, idiotically speaking. I mean, maybe I don’t love the person who I thought I still insanely adore… Maybe, just maybe, I nostalgically love the past and the past that had long been buried, and my terrible act of repeatedly digging it whenever he is haunting me, should never be a déjà vou.
I told a friend last night that I am unhappy. And he threw a question which kind of brought me back to reality. Then I remember some terms that I have read in a book… After I have googled it, I’ve known that the words came from the lyrics of a song.
Nobody likes me
Everybody hates me
I’m gonna eat some worms
Big fat juicy worms
Long thin slimy worms
Itsy bitsy fuzzy wuzzy worms
In the book where I’ve read this stuff about worms, I remember a boy in the illustration was sitting in a porch, alone and awfully sad. The caption says “Nobody loves me, I’m gonna go out and eat some worms.” Sometimes I think I’m the little boy. We have the same dilemma. No one can understand the sadness that I’m carrying, well of course with the exemptions of my family and close friends. I have counted so many years of waiting and of wanting to feel the happiness that I felt before. In my prayers, I never ask for the same person who has taught me the essence of bliss as well as the agony and pain. He is so YESTERDAY. And after him, I’ve had quite a few relationships. I just ask the Lord for the one who will lead me away from solitude.
The friend who was with me last night said that I am happy in certain aspects, like people who were with me and the things that I have, which he wished could be his. I know that I have numerous gifts and I am thankful. And yet sometimes, I still long to believe and sense that there would be filling for the void. Is it too much to ask for a simple family, to be married, to be a faithful wife and because my biological clock is ticking LOUDLY I couldn’t stand the sound, is it to much to ask for motherhood?
I don’t desire for the so perfect-perfect partner. That’s so ENGKANTASYA. But hmmm could it be that some happy couples are actually in that kind of niche? Maybe. Why can’t I enter?
Maybe I can’t be happy for the rest of my life. Nostalgic.
Complicated. Thorny. Bumpy. Where is the smooth road, dammit! The road not taken is definitely that road. How do I get there? For the nth time, another friend told me, somebody out there is right for you. Maybe that somebody took the less traveled road and ended up with Cinderella. There is no one left for me.
Happiness is in the mind. Bullshit. My heart screams.
I am happy because I have a job.
I am happy because I have a wonderful family.
I am happy because our little angel chuchelli constantly makes me laugh.
I am happy because I’ve got so many friends.
I am happy because a man came, and although he can’t promise commitment yet, he sees me and values me.
I am happy for this life, and for the blessings.
I am happy too, because the past still hurts me, but the pain is bearable now.
I am happy because I still love the man who caused me so much pain. I should be happy. Lest I will be cursed not to love any man more than that love I have already given him.
I will be happy because finally I’ll learn not to love him.
I am happy tragically.
I’m gonna go out and eat some worms.
************
To my perfect gentleman, we'll cross the bridge when we get there. :) stayput
I told a friend last night that I am unhappy. And he threw a question which kind of brought me back to reality. Then I remember some terms that I have read in a book… After I have googled it, I’ve known that the words came from the lyrics of a song.
Nobody likes me
Everybody hates me
I’m gonna eat some worms
Big fat juicy worms
Long thin slimy worms
Itsy bitsy fuzzy wuzzy worms
In the book where I’ve read this stuff about worms, I remember a boy in the illustration was sitting in a porch, alone and awfully sad. The caption says “Nobody loves me, I’m gonna go out and eat some worms.” Sometimes I think I’m the little boy. We have the same dilemma. No one can understand the sadness that I’m carrying, well of course with the exemptions of my family and close friends. I have counted so many years of waiting and of wanting to feel the happiness that I felt before. In my prayers, I never ask for the same person who has taught me the essence of bliss as well as the agony and pain. He is so YESTERDAY. And after him, I’ve had quite a few relationships. I just ask the Lord for the one who will lead me away from solitude.
The friend who was with me last night said that I am happy in certain aspects, like people who were with me and the things that I have, which he wished could be his. I know that I have numerous gifts and I am thankful. And yet sometimes, I still long to believe and sense that there would be filling for the void. Is it too much to ask for a simple family, to be married, to be a faithful wife and because my biological clock is ticking LOUDLY I couldn’t stand the sound, is it to much to ask for motherhood?
I don’t desire for the so perfect-perfect partner. That’s so ENGKANTASYA. But hmmm could it be that some happy couples are actually in that kind of niche? Maybe. Why can’t I enter?
Maybe I can’t be happy for the rest of my life. Nostalgic.
Complicated. Thorny. Bumpy. Where is the smooth road, dammit! The road not taken is definitely that road. How do I get there? For the nth time, another friend told me, somebody out there is right for you. Maybe that somebody took the less traveled road and ended up with Cinderella. There is no one left for me.
Happiness is in the mind. Bullshit. My heart screams.
I am happy because I have a job.
I am happy because I have a wonderful family.
I am happy because our little angel chuchelli constantly makes me laugh.
I am happy because I’ve got so many friends.
I am happy because a man came, and although he can’t promise commitment yet, he sees me and values me.
I am happy for this life, and for the blessings.
I am happy too, because the past still hurts me, but the pain is bearable now.
I am happy because I still love the man who caused me so much pain. I should be happy. Lest I will be cursed not to love any man more than that love I have already given him.
I will be happy because finally I’ll learn not to love him.
I am happy tragically.
I’m gonna go out and eat some worms.
************
To my perfect gentleman, we'll cross the bridge when we get there. :) stayput
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