HAPPINESS OVERRATED

Maybe this is nostalgia. I am still embracing the past so much, idiotically speaking. I mean, maybe I don’t love the person who I thought I still insanely adore… Maybe, just maybe, I nostalgically love the past and the past that had long been buried, and my terrible act of repeatedly digging it whenever he is haunting me, should never be a déjà vou.

I told a friend last night that I am unhappy. And he threw a question which kind of brought me back to reality. Then I remember some terms that I have read in a book… After I have googled it, I’ve known that the words came from the lyrics of a song.

Nobody likes me
Everybody hates me
I’m gonna eat some worms
Big fat juicy worms
Long thin slimy worms
Itsy bitsy fuzzy wuzzy worms

In the book where I’ve read this stuff about worms, I remember a boy in the illustration was sitting in a porch, alone and awfully sad. The caption says “Nobody loves me, I’m gonna go out and eat some worms.” Sometimes I think I’m the little boy. We have the same dilemma. No one can understand the sadness that I’m carrying, well of course with the exemptions of my family and close friends. I have counted so many years of waiting and of wanting to feel the happiness that I felt before. In my prayers, I never ask for the same person who has taught me the essence of bliss as well as the agony and pain. He is so YESTERDAY. And after him, I’ve had quite a few relationships. I just ask the Lord for the one who will lead me away from solitude.

The friend who was with me last night said that I am happy in certain aspects, like people who were with me and the things that I have, which he wished could be his. I know that I have numerous gifts and I am thankful. And yet sometimes, I still long to believe and sense that there would be filling for the void. Is it too much to ask for a simple family, to be married, to be a faithful wife and because my biological clock is ticking LOUDLY I couldn’t stand the sound, is it to much to ask for motherhood?

I don’t desire for the so perfect-perfect partner. That’s so ENGKANTASYA. But hmmm could it be that some happy couples are actually in that kind of niche? Maybe. Why can’t I enter?
Maybe I can’t be happy for the rest of my life. Nostalgic.

Complicated. Thorny. Bumpy. Where is the smooth road, dammit! The road not taken is definitely that road. How do I get there? For the nth time, another friend told me, somebody out there is right for you. Maybe that somebody took the less traveled road and ended up with Cinderella. There is no one left for me.

Happiness is in the mind. Bullshit. My heart screams.

I am happy because I have a job.
I am happy because I have a wonderful family.
I am happy because our little angel chuchelli constantly makes me laugh.
I am happy because I’ve got so many friends.
I am happy because a man came, and although he can’t promise commitment yet, he sees me and values me.
I am happy for this life, and for the blessings.
I am happy too, because the past still hurts me, but the pain is bearable now.
I am happy because I still love the man who caused me so much pain. I should be happy. Lest I will be cursed not to love any man more than that love I have already given him.
I will be happy because finally I’ll learn not to love him.
I am happy tragically.
I’m gonna go out and eat some worms.

************
To my perfect gentleman, we'll cross the bridge when we get there. :) stayput

A Movie Review: The World's Fastest Indian

This movie was introduced to me by my boss, the Municipal Mayor Emmanuel Cadayona. When the Ambassador of New Zealand H. E. David Pine visited our town, Paete, the Carving Capital of the Philippines, he gave an original copy of this film to Mayor. At first i thought i won''t appreciate the film because im not into action movie (i thought its an action film hehe). The adjective "fast" and "indian" made a different connotation in my mind.

Little did i know that the film is a true-to-life story. The lead character, Burt Munroe (played by Anthony Hopkins) is a New Zealander who have high hopes and great determination. After he finished his 1920 model indian scout motorcycle, nothing did stop him from entering a contest on speed. He came all the way from Invercargill, New Zealand to Bonneville Salt Flats in Utah, USA. With limited money and high spirits, and with a number of friends he met on his journey, he became legendary.

As i came from a small town in Laguna, this film made a big difference to me, hoping that one day i could be a Munroe for Paete. I am inspired by how Munroe carried New Zealand by showing his pride and zest. How he showed the people his strong will. How he made it to the top.Although some of the people he met along the way displayed bigotry and mockery, in spite of his age, his illness and a small amount in his pocket, he survived. The Fastest Indian with a big heart, a number of good friends and a victory.

Aside from Anthony Hopkin''s superb portrayal of his character, the film is very good as a whole, two thumbs up. I will recommend this to my fellow Paetenos, and to other nearby towns. This is a must-see movie.

Doing the Math of Blessings

I thought i could win over my wpwsyndrome congenital heart disease, i was wrong. For the past few days, i have been thinking about this ex-friend and i have been dealing with the bitterness through my most loved outlet - writing. Little did i know that when another person commented in favor of my ex-friend, i was pushed to the limit.

That night, after reading the comment, i felt sudden thumps inside my chest. My heart suffered from the stress brought by unnecessary people in my life. I have let them hurt me. That would be my fault because i have let them.

For several days, i was contemplating whether to take my medicines or not, because prior to the monday thumps, i was feeling very light. I thought i am already healed. Sometimes optimistically speaking, i don't feel i am sick.

In my other blog, i have reiterated that i will stop thinking about them, even in my most valued way of release, i will not include the thought.

So instead of my saga of entertaining loads from ex-friends, i will just pay my tribute to those who have helped me in one way or another... And like what we have been doing through exchanging sms, this is one helluva group message hehe...

Tita Miles - count on me, by Whitney Houston, download it now girl, that's for you.
Jhanzy - i always owe you a lot of things, and thank you for accepting me although i'm an egg with cracks. hihi
Chied - my forever bestfriend, you are just a text, or a call away. Thanks.
Lyd - my other bestfriend, i can FIND you at all times. You know how to be available when i need you.
Beng - geez, i dunno how to thank you for all the things, you are the bestest.. hehe
Nance - i want to see you happy too, im just here, always.
Neth - my dear neth, i love you too, you just thought otherwise hehe
Alma - i could never imagine friendship without you..
Belen - mother, sis and friend, thanks for the care
Gilbert - my kapatid, we are the same, we are both....gay hehe
Ophee - my other kapatid in the grove, hehe
Mamu Isay - my precious mamu, miss you
and to all who have remained true to me....

im still counting the days with you guys.
kisses.