A Thousand MAYBEs

"Give me time, I want some space. I have to go somewhere to find myself..."

I heard the line a couple of times in the movies. Desperate, lonely statement of someone who wants to get away and find (self) peace of mind in a new surrounding. Little did I know I would be in the verge of savoring the thought.

There are a number of sleepless nights, I am carrying loads of stuff, and if I will make a list of the things (and people) causing this stress, that list would weaken me more.

I don't rely on friends anymore. It was easier when we were in grade school, they are all around me. Well, the problems before were as small as we were, and i fully understand they have families now.... unlike me. Sometimes I am terrified that I am not entitled to have what they have - husband and children. I don't dream for extravagant material things, in fact I always wanted a simple, less complicated life. Is it too much to ask for Mr. Right and a child of my own?

One more thing that scares me, is the idea that I may not give chuchelli and dielle a cousin to play with. Maybe some people including me are bound to be alone. Maybe I had the ultimate happiness in a relationship before and lost that love. Maybe that kind of love is given only once. One great love for each person. But I lost it. Maybe I can't have what Nanay and Tatay have (and Joan and Eldan have) -- a family. Maybe they are the lucky ones, and I have lesser luck... Maybe I am the "Ai-ai" in Pasukob, and Joan is the "Ruffa Mae." Who is Mahal then? hahahaha. Call it midlife crisis, whatever. Geez, I will be 32 in 4 months. Snif.

Sige, if I will be alone, I should promise myself not to be miserable. Right now, my stress busters compose of two little fluffy angels. I can see through my nieces' eyes, and I know I am loved. Chuchelli although very makulit at times, never fails to give me comfort. I will always love her unconditionally as she is our family's first joy, her hugs are always handy. Dielle's innocence made me realize there is more to life, and that God is truly amazing.

One big sigh, the pain will go away, optimism should work here. This "Give me time, I want some space. I have to go somewhere to find myself..." too will pass. Nothing lasts forever. Di ba? Eh kelan? I need to get away.

Tay, penge pamasahe, punta ako hongkong hehe.

Sige lang ng sige. MAYBE I WILL BE OKAY SOON. :)

NARCISSISM and a whole lot more

Its been months. I'm back. Not because I am inspired to write, but because I'm pissed. But i wont turn this into a "hate blog" that's unhealthy, you might hit the back button on your keys to return to facebook and start farming again... (hehehe).

Anyway, I'm pissed. Yes I am. And with due respect, i am trying to control it... Thanks to an old buddy who knows me and my mood swings. Gilbert, an ally i'll never forget, said i should have a vision. And because im angry, i said to him "i can't SEE... my stat says EMO" and he laughed. He KNOWS me!!

We chatted for a coupla minutes, he asked questions, i tried answering without these %^&*$#$, hehehehe. And i admit to him i can't talk when im angry because i know now how it (my anger) would turn things out... its not gonna be good, i can REALLY tell. as for reference, here is the "control c + control v" of our chat:

FB chat

Dc

you need to talk

11:32pmMhey

wag muna, galit pa ako... u know me when im angry im a bitch... i dont like myself when im angry... lalong mapapasama... dirediretso bibig ko, kadalasan hindi ko gusto yung sinasabi ko pero lumalabas sa bibig ko walang remote control, walang pause, walang stop

11:33pmDc

hahahaha

11:38pmMhey

im gonna write a blog

hahahahaha

again.

11:38pmDc

good

maybe about

how to pause when you're angry

11:39pmMhey

my outlet

correct!!

ahahaha

so there. verbatim. unedited.

Gilbert also said to me, i should learn how to love myself. I told him, "are you Narcissus?" ... he laughed again. On the other hand, he has a point, i mean Gilbert has a point. A little narcissism should do the trick, as i told him:

Mhey

hindi ko na nga nagagawa yun, mas iniintindi ko ang ibang bagay bago ang sarili

para akong si Rizal

hahahahaha

mas susyal yung sayo, si Narcissus ay foreigner hahaha

11:18pmDc

hahahahahaha

i sooo miss Gilbert and im glad that i found him again online. This kind of talk really helped. Maybe God knows my needs, He gave him the urge to get online. Sweet.

As i compose myself not to turn into a Hungarian Horntail (most dangerous of all the dragons in Harry Potter hehehehe), i'll keep my distance and i'll pause. This way, im rewarding myself an improvised remote control of emotions.

And ill take the advice, though im not good at it (abhor advices, especially unsolicited ones), im giving it to my kapatid na Gilbert....... ill be a bit Narcisa and enjoy ME.

:)