Some of us are aware of our weaknesses. Some people tend to mend them through a series of objectives, or a step-by-step pattern. Others identify the root causes. Some seek their shrinks. Majority uses the power of prayer, faith for that matter. Others hide from their shell or simply ignore them.
I deal with my weaknesses by thinking and praying and although I classify myself as a believer, I belong to the silent type. My move is to pray alone, intimate discourse with God in the vigil room, or in my room. But beforehand I can’t help but think. Maybe if I have the money I’d go to a shrink. But because I can’t afford the Ally Mcbeal way, I just weigh things up. My doctor always remind me not to reflect on things too seriously because negative thoughts might trigger the “grounded arteries” but I can’t help but “assess” (my term) or psychoanalyze (their heavy term) myself. If I don’t, who would?
Assessment #1. Last week I have been sick for 5 days because of flu. And because I have to rest and stay in bed, I have given an ample time psychoanalyzing the people and the events that have happened. There I remember the dreams I have for the past days prior to the flu. I kept on dreaming about a person who was once a part of my life and in those dreams we started talking again (to each other). I wonder if that can possibly be a reality. I guess it’ll take time, if time can truly heals all wounds. I have asked myself “Can you tell yourself your wound have already been cured?” It may have, but it left an ugly scar. The scar will constantly remind me of the tragic conflict so I guess talking to that individual would be somewhat surreal. But then again, it also depends on that person. If reconciliation will sprout from the other one’s heart, maybe I can reconsider.
Assessment #2. Some friends asked me if my “Billy” is here in the Philippines. I uttered a few words of disgust but deep within me I know there was an itsy bitsy lie. Deep within me I know I still care. Deep within me I know I still am willing to be available if he would need my advices. Deep within me I know I still can say no because he “was, have been, in the past” a part of my life. But as I have said, honestly speaking, the nostalgia faded away. And I’m deeply thankful. My “Billy” doesn’t deserve me. Somebody from the past (just a couple of months ago hehe) have already surpassed the former’s intensity of valuing me. Now I realized why I have had that recent relationship – it changed me. All I can offer now is pure friendship to “Billy”… and deep within me, I’m telling the truth.
Assessment #3. A friend who happens to be one of the closest ones I fortunately have now asked for my whereabouts because we missed each other’s company. I told her I got sick for almost a week so I failed to be available. She is used to having me and another friend in her house; we used to drop by whenever we want. She is one of those that I love hanging out with, because when I’m with her, I can be me. Bitching-about-little-things-and-exuding-my-kakulitan kind of me. My sister actually likes her too and it’s a plus point, because she is equally so welcome in our house. I love having her around but I know, I have not given her my full effort. I have developed a kind of phobia in friendship. I became a non-risk taker. I was afraid she’d left, or she’d forget, or she’d get tired. I was scared of “too much closeness” because maybe the incident will happen again and I don’t want to be deserted. But now I know she’s the type of person who would not let me go. She won’t get tired, or change, or forget. I remember she told me a song she likes for our friendship, and she avowed it’s the best song for us.
Assessment #4. The forecast for the horse is not gonna happen. This will gonna be an OK year for me. Gladly that I did not spend money on those man-made remedies which I googled in the web. My assessment #3 assured me all will be favorable through prayers. I heaved a sigh of relief. Oo nga noh. I knew it all along. Sometimes my head has a few kinks in it that needs ironing out. Hihi.
Assessment #5. I still desire the 120gb white or 160gb black macbook with a built in i-sight. Arggghhh. When can u be mine? I need a bib. Either I’ll drool or I’ll throw up. Haha.
