A Thousand MAYBEs

"Give me time, I want some space. I have to go somewhere to find myself..."

I heard the line a couple of times in the movies. Desperate, lonely statement of someone who wants to get away and find (self) peace of mind in a new surrounding. Little did I know I would be in the verge of savoring the thought.

There are a number of sleepless nights, I am carrying loads of stuff, and if I will make a list of the things (and people) causing this stress, that list would weaken me more.

I don't rely on friends anymore. It was easier when we were in grade school, they are all around me. Well, the problems before were as small as we were, and i fully understand they have families now.... unlike me. Sometimes I am terrified that I am not entitled to have what they have - husband and children. I don't dream for extravagant material things, in fact I always wanted a simple, less complicated life. Is it too much to ask for Mr. Right and a child of my own?

One more thing that scares me, is the idea that I may not give chuchelli and dielle a cousin to play with. Maybe some people including me are bound to be alone. Maybe I had the ultimate happiness in a relationship before and lost that love. Maybe that kind of love is given only once. One great love for each person. But I lost it. Maybe I can't have what Nanay and Tatay have (and Joan and Eldan have) -- a family. Maybe they are the lucky ones, and I have lesser luck... Maybe I am the "Ai-ai" in Pasukob, and Joan is the "Ruffa Mae." Who is Mahal then? hahahaha. Call it midlife crisis, whatever. Geez, I will be 32 in 4 months. Snif.

Sige, if I will be alone, I should promise myself not to be miserable. Right now, my stress busters compose of two little fluffy angels. I can see through my nieces' eyes, and I know I am loved. Chuchelli although very makulit at times, never fails to give me comfort. I will always love her unconditionally as she is our family's first joy, her hugs are always handy. Dielle's innocence made me realize there is more to life, and that God is truly amazing.

One big sigh, the pain will go away, optimism should work here. This "Give me time, I want some space. I have to go somewhere to find myself..." too will pass. Nothing lasts forever. Di ba? Eh kelan? I need to get away.

Tay, penge pamasahe, punta ako hongkong hehe.

Sige lang ng sige. MAYBE I WILL BE OKAY SOON. :)